I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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