I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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