if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
