i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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