I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
