and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just blew my weed a kiss
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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