Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
