its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
