It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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