Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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