I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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