i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
