Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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