He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
