I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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