I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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