dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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