Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
