A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
