Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
