dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
