she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.