He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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