I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
