I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
