Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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