i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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