I wish life had little blips of pornography
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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