So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
