i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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