I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
