she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
