eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
