Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
