You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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