tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
