Me. At least after what I've been through.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
