non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
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Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
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Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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