I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
