Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We just shotgunned beers for America
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
