Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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