he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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