I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
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Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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