Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
