I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
