had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
