I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
