I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
