dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize