Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
