I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
