giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
