I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
