I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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