come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
