Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
