Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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